Hello there <3
It's this damsel parading through your works again oof. Although it's been years, I believe that your work's been quite lonely in the Green Room Tower. So I'm here with the latchkey :p Hopefully, this review will help you at some point!!
Bit of a disclaimer: I'll be focusing more on the message of the story, given that there's no voice recording attached to this post. Now, on to them critiquesss.
The night belongs to us.
We were trap in a world of our own.
But tonight it will change for us.
Was it in vain?
Was it too late?
Why did it we have to be torn apart?
Let us dance our loss today.
just some tense problem. The first one should be in past tense and the second one should be in present (to parallel with "The night belongs to us.")
Now the issue here was much more grave. I understand that song-writing doesn't technically demand one to write a story, but adding more context is due. It's very difficult to appreciate this when I have no idea what's going on. There's a few hints but it's not enough for me to come to a clear conclusion. The song's a bit equivocal and the only thing I clearly know is that it was a failed relationship and this seemed to be their last day. I hope this makes sense lol, but to harness the emotion of this situation, you could narrate about how it happened? Even just a wee bit specific is it forbidden love? Long distance relationship? A toxic relationship?
From your three questions, you could at least choose one of the three and give a bit of details as well.
Is this going to be our last dance?
Will we have the chance to do it again?
I feel the chill of the words you made.
Saying, I love you
Embrace me, so much tighter
This is our last time together
Heaven sheds tears
For our broken hearts.
Our forever has been torn apart.
Curious inquiry, but is this a duet? The first (technically second) stanza seemed to answer the second (third) stanza. If it is, feel free to disregard my critique.
if this was/will be sung by one person, it's a bit weird that the person asked a question, when he knew the answer. Unless, it's a shift of persepctive. Referencing from Taylor Swift's Love Story, it'd be nice to add some dialogue tags like, he said and she said. This would make it less confusing.
This one was a repeated phrase from the first (real first) stanza. In my opinion, the repetition was unnecessary and it didn't add much to the lyrics. You could amplify the meaning by picking a stronger verb. That would show the person/singer's feelings' progression -- that it worsened. For example, the first stanza would say "torn apart," whilst the third "incinerated," or "burnt" >> it's up to you, just a suggestion.
For this one, I've got another idea. Your title is about a "last dance" but there's barely any reference to that. Instead of Heaven/broken hearts, why not describe how they were dancing? You could show the emotion from there. Was it slow? Were their shoes touching each other? Barely touching? Or were they too eager to feel each other (because it's their last time) so they didn't care if, at some point, they were stepping on each other? Us listeners (or at least me) would be intrigued with the allsuion.
Similar with "The world has turned upside down." That phrase was a bit tacked on from the rest of the lines in that verse. It's an overused phrase as well so dance references would add some flavour in it.
That's all I've got to critique about! I actually quite like the use of back-up vocals, it captures the raw and pure emotions the lovers have. Desperation, in particular.
Anywhooo, hope you're still into song-writing this 2020!!
Points: 5134
Reviews: 81
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